Love Letter Lunacy
by meltina
Summary: Anonymous love letter. Multiple, unintended recipients. Chaos. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

**Love Letter Lunacy**

**Obligatory Disclaimer: **Nintendo owns the characters; however, they do not own the letter/poem or the two 80s songs included in this chapter. HAH!  
**Author's Notes: **^^; The summary pretty much describes what's to come. 

* * * 

When I neared the Super Smash Hotel in which my beloved resided, I could feel the anxiety bubble up in my stomach, making it feel hot. I always felt like that whenever my beloved was present or whenever someone would utter the name… Of course, as I crept into the laundry room via the open window, I realized that it was not a good time to think of how anxious I felt. I had to be cautious. One flaw could lead to my ultimate discovery. The HAL Laboratory does not take unlawful entries into the Hotel of the opposite gender very lightly. I could be removed from the tournament and jailed!

*DING!*

_One of the running dryers turned off suddenly, nearly making me leap out of my flesh. It was then that I realized I had to get into my beloved's room and deliver my letter unseen. And quick._

_I took a glance to my scented letter. The soft smile that formed on my lips could not be prevented. I had worked all night writing it and even now, I am not one hundred percent satisfied with how it turned out. But, like they always say: a writer is his own worst critic. Or is that artist? Oh well._

_I admired my letter one last time, trying to find any mistakes before its definitive delivery to my darling:_

_Dearest,  
I vowed that I would dedicate my powers  
To thee and thine -- have I not kept the vow?  
With beating heart and streaming eyes, even now  
I call the phantoms of our grapes hours  
Each from his voiceless lips:  they have envisioned bowers  
Of platonic zeal or love's delight  
Outwatched with me the ethereal night  
They know that never joy illumed my eyes  
Unlinked with hope that thou wouldst free  
Your heart from a dark slavery_

_Sensually,  
Your Secret Admirer  
P.S.: In other words, I am hot for your body._

_Perfect!_

_Although that little grapes comment came from left field, it was the only thing I could think of. 'Fruits' was a good word but I like grapes. Grapes are yummy._

*CLAK CLAK*

_Crap!_

_Someone was heading to the laundry room! I was going to be discovered if I didn't do anything quick! The window was my only means of escape so I swiftly ran toward it and took a possible leap of faith out of it. Thank Heaven there was a pool right underneath me. My anonymous letter was going to get ruined, but that was fine. I'll just tuck it into my---_

_Oh no! Where did my letter go!?_

The dainty Princess of Hyrule known simply as Zelda whistled and entered the laundry room. She smiled with relief when she saw that the clothes' drying was over. Her smile faded somewhat when the sound of water splashing reached her pointed Hylian ears.

_Just my imagination_, she thought with a quirked brow.

Quickly and while whistling, she began unloading the fresh clothes from the dryer, dumping them into a large laundry basket without looking. Zelda rather enjoyed this menial labor called 'laundry'; she never understood why Peach and Daisy quickly declined the offer to wash and dry Fox McCloud's clothes for him. They were princesses too. Couldn't they see this as a new experience? 

Zelda certainly did. Back home, she never did this sort of thing for she had servants for virtually any task imaginable. She remembered she had a servant whose sole task was to brush eyebrows!

When all the clothes were unloaded, Zelda took the laundry basket with her and prepared to make the journey to the males' hotel.

Zelda never noticed that, prior to her unloading, there was a scented love letter sticking to the bottom of the basket.

Zelda was in the hallway just outside of the room Fox shared with his comrade Falco Lombardi when she heard the former singing along with his radio in the shower. His voice was loud and booming, reaching a volume above that of the hailing water.

"C'mon baby, let's not fight. We'll go dancing and everything will be alright!" There was a pause, and then a crescendo, "Wake me up! Before you go go! Don't leave me hangin' on like a yo-yo! Wake me up! Before you go-go! I don't wanna miss it when you hit that high…!"

Zelda decided that she had better take the opportunity to knock on the door before he'd start singing something else. Not like she had anything against the current song. It was just…weird to hear Fox singing it.

She entered the hotel room itself then knocked on the door to the bathroom. "Fox…?"

Fox let out something that sounded like a puppy when its tail was stepped on. The music was cut off completely. "Oh, h-hey, Zelda!" he called out. It was evident in his voice that he was embarrassed.

Zelda muffled a giggle with her palm. "Don't worry about it. I have your laundry here," she said. "What do you want me to do with it?"

"Just leave it on the counter out there!"

"Alright."

"Thanks Zelda! I owe you one!"

"Your welcome, Fox. I put all of my heart into this for you," she called out, setting the basket on the indicated counter. Completely unaware of what chaos her latter statement would spark, Zelda took her leave once her errand was completed.

Fox heard the door to the hotel room slam and poked his head out of the opened bathroom door to affirm his suspicions. Good, she was gone. He smirked to himself and headed back into the bathroom to turn his radio on again.

"Jeeeeeeeeeeeeenny I got your number! I need to make you mine! Jeeeeeeeeeenny don't change your number! Eight six seven five, three oh ni-ee-ine! [867-5309]!" Fox's singing resounded loudly within the room as he dressed himself and began sorting his recently delivered laundry.

Just when he thought he was done, the renard's nose caught a strange scent coming from the bottom of the basket. He checked and to his surprise, there was a letter. Was this what Zelda put all of her heart into? Did she leave this for him? Probably.

_Only one way to find out_. He unfolded it and read.

And nearly went into cardiac arrest when he was done.

"ZELDA'S HOT FOR MY BODY!?!?"

* * *

  
  
**A/N:** And so it starts. ^^; Yeah, it's not funny but it's not serious, thus the humor genre. I know it's incredibly short but I just wanted to give you all a prologue of sorts---the rest of the story's chapters will be longer than this, I promise!  
 I hope this wasn't confusing (I'll clear it up in the next chapter if it was).   
Review please? =)  
mature@fanfiction.net


	2. Chapter 2

Love Letter Lunacy

  
**Obligatory Disclaimer:** Elf needs food badly! And Nintendo owns everything 'cept this fic!  
**Author's Notes:** Here's chapter two! Thanks to everyone who reviewed chapter one!  ^_^

  
  


* * *

  
"You're kidding!"

"I kid you not!"

"You're joking!"

"I joke you not!"

"Okay, stop talking like that."

"Sorry." Fox McCloud allowed a hangdog look to crawl across his face. "But seriously, Falco, I am not lying! Princess Zelda wrote me a love letter!"

The proud and indigo colored Falco Lombardi sneered at his fellow pilot and folded his arms across his chest, disbelievingly. "Zelda, a Princess from a faraway land known as Hyrule, as fair as a summer sky and as pure as the winter snow, with more suitors than you can shake a stick at… Wrote a letter for you, Fox?" Slowly, Fox nodded. "HAH! Don't make me laugh!"

The two were traipsing through the hallways of the Super Smash Hotel, hoping to chance upon the princess in question. After Fox had discovered an anonymous and extremely amorous letter at the bottom of his laundry basket, which Zelda had prepared for him, he was absolutely certain that she had written it. The evidence was all there. He had even shown him the letter itself but Falco didn't believe it, claiming it was a fake or, at the very least, a letter intended for someone else. Why couldn't his accomplice have faith in him?

"I'm telling you Falco, she wrote the letter for me!"

"I doubt it. For crying out loud, you sing 80s songs in the shower."

"…That was low."

Falco smirked, pleased at himself for lowering Fox's self-esteem just a notch---it was a bit of a hobby of his. "Face it Fox, it's not like she decided to just get up and say, 'I'm going to give him a love letter from me and not sign it! I hope he reads it!'"

Grudgingly, Fox turned a corner and headed down various flights of stairs with his so-called feathered friend at his side. Both of the pilots were completely unaware that the anonymous love letter had slipped out from its confinement in Fox's pocket and landed exactly in front of someone else's room door as they passed.

A few minutes and friendly arguments later, Fox and Falco had received permission from HAL security to enter the females' hotel to visit Zelda. Fortunately, they caught her just as she was exiting her room. A tennis bag was draped over her shoulder and she was dressed in a cute tennis skirt and shirt set.

"Oh, hey Zelda!" Fox called out to her to halt her. "Um… Where are you going?"

Falco couldn't refrain from smacking Fox upside his furred head. "She's going to weed a garden… What do you think!?"

Zelda chuckled at the two pilots' antics. "What can I help you with? More laundry, perhaps?"

"Um, no," a nervous Fox began twiddling his gloved fingers, "you see… I found something in the basket… Actually, it was at the very bottom of it, like if it were well-hidden or if you *wanted* me to find it in that pile of clothes…"

Zelda did not know where this was leading her. She arched a perplexed and blonde eyebrow. 

"Well… Um." Fox couldn't take it anymore. He finally let it all out. "I found it! Okay Zelda! I friggin' FOUND IT. I FOUND IT, DAMMIT, I FOUND IT!!!"

"…Fox, what are you talking about?"

"The letter. I found it."

"…Huh?"

"You know, the love letter?"

"I'm afraid I don't know what you're referring to."

Fox was growing helpless. "You know! The love letter!" He clasped his hands together near his heart and looked away with dreamy eyes, reciting lines from the poem that was included in the letter. "_Unlinked with hope that thou wouldst free your heart from a dark slavery._"

Zelda shook her head, apologetically. "Sorry. I have no idea what you're talking about, Fox…" She gave him an uneasy look before turning on the heel of her tennis shoes to walk away.

"Wait, wait!" Fox called out. Zelda paused. "I have the letter with me!" 

As the blonde princess stood and waited, the renard searched for the letter on his person like a chicken with its head cut off. He patted himself profusely around his pelvic area that garnered many an eyebrow raise from Zelda. However, she, as always, remained tight-lipped and calmly waited for Fox to present this letter he accused her of writing.

Falco glanced to a panic-stricken Fox, bemused. He leaned closer to him and whispered: "Did you lose something?"

"Shut up, you! I had it in my back pocket!"

"Is it there, then?"

Fox sighed. "No…"

Zelda shrugged and went about her way, leaving Falco alone to console a heart-broken Fox who laid in a fetal position on the floor of the hallway. 

"There there, Fox," the falcon said in between snickers, "I'm sure Zelda will remember she wrote it and come back and declare her unbending love for you."

"…Falco?"

"Yeah, Fox?"

"I hope you die a painful and slow death."

"Love you too."

Powerful sunlight combined with booming voices echoing throughout the hallways just outside of the hotel room caused the Hylian known the world over as simply Link to stir in his peaceful sleep. He groaned and tossed and turned in his bed. He soon realized, however, that he could not return to his slumber. He lazily sat up in his bed and did nothing but stare around the currently unoccupied room with lazy blue eyes.

I know I'm supposed to do something today… 

Link let that thought settle in for a while before the unmistakable voice of Falco Lombardi woke him up completely. He heard him say: "I'm going to give him a love letter from me and not sign it! I hope he reads it!"

What?

At first, Link wanted to ignore that notion. But as time went on, he kept on thinking of what Falco could have possibly meant by that. Curiosity got the better of him and he soon found himself opening the door to his hotel room and peering down to find a letter on the "Welcome!" door mat.

Falco… Wrote me this? 

The chimichangas he had for dinner the previous night suddenly wanted to leap out of his system via his mouth. He fought the urge to vomit and read the letter instead.

When he finished reading the last line of the letter, Link released an extremely high-pitched, blood-curdling scream that echoed through his room, outside of it and down the halls, and probably reaching as far as the nearest town, which was miles away. 

Outside, a few pedestrians wondered what the Hell was going on…  

Two pedestrians in particular were Kirby, the cute pink hero from Popstar, and Roy, the young and handsome swordsman. Both were in the middle of a negotiation when they heard what sounded like someone screaming bloody murder. Roy had enough errands of his own to do and he thanked his luck when he came across Kirby; perhaps the little marshmallowy hero could help ease his burden.

"So all I'm asking you to do is to get this list of Donkey Kong's weaknesses," Roy explained, "it's for Zelda's match today. I had promised to get it for her but I completely forgot it up in my hotel room."

"Oh, I'll go get it for you and give it to her, then."

"Thanks Kirby. It's Room 473."

"You share rooms with Link and Marth, right?"

Roy nodded and Kirby went on his merry ol' way. Within moments, thanks to the miracle of speedy elevators, Kirby was on the fourth floor of the males' hotel. 

He was nearly trampled upon by Link who ran down the hallway in complete battle dress; even his sword and shield were drawn! The Hylian shouted out at the top of his lungs: "YOU'LL NEVER GET ME!!!! THIS I VOW!!!"

Kirby wondered what the Hell was going on.

He shrugged and, after noticing the door to room 473 was left open by Link the rampaging maniac, made his way in.

"Hm. Roy said he wanted me to get a list…?" Kirby asked himself. Not knowing where to look, he simply glanced around, thinking that Roy would have probably left it out or something---otherwise, he or Link would have told him exactly where it was. Right? 

To get a better view of things, Kirby climbed on top of a chair. _Aha!_ His big eyes spotted a folded sheet of paper on top of one of the three desks. _That must be it!_

With that, Kirby grabbed the letter and headed back outside. His next destination was the tennis court. Along the way, Kirby spotted the small form of Ness, one of the best friends he had made during his time at this Super Smash Brothers tournament. Ness had about three Little League baseball bats in hand.

"Hi Ness! What're the bats for?"

"Oh hey Kirby! Me, Young Link, Popo, and a few others are having a quick ball game. We need an extra player. Wanna join?"

Kirby smiled happily and waved his little hands in the air. "Do I ever!"

Before he could forget about his initial task at hand, one half of the Ice Climbers, Nana, just happened to be strolling by Kirby and Ness. She seemed to be heading in the direction of the females' hotel. That gave Kirby an idea.

"Hey Nana! Can you do me a favor?"

"Sure Kirby," the girl said, "what's up?"

"Can you deliver this letter to Zelda? She's at the tennis courts now," the pink puff handed Nana the letter. "Tell her it's from Roy."

Nana blinked but took the letter. "Hm. Alrighty then."

"Thank you, Nana!"

"A letter for me?"

"That's what I think it is," Nana said politely. "I didn't read it, though."

"Who is it from?"

"It's from Roy."

Zelda hummed thoughtfully as she took the letter from the ice climber-turned-delivery girl. Seeing that her job was done, Nana trotted away from Zelda's personal court, leaving the princess to read the letter in private. 

The size of Zelda's deep blue eyes quadrupled. 

"ROY IS HOT FOR MY BODY!?!?"

* * * *  
**A/N:** ^^; And the chaos continues on…  
Please leave me a review! ^_^   
mature@fanfiction.net


	3. Chapter 3

Love Letter Lunacy 

**Obligatory Disclaimer: **Man, if I owned these characters like Nintendo does, do you think I'd be writin' fanfics!?  
**Author's Notes:** *hands out Pocky* Thank you guys so much for the reviews!  ;-; If, by some divine means, I ever win an Oscar or a Grammy or an Emmy, I'll dedicate it to you guys!

* * * *

_So that's what Fox was trying to tell me_, she thought. _That sneaky!_

Zelda must have read the leaf of paper in her palm at least a dozen times. She still couldn't believe it. Roy had written her a love letter! A poetic one at that. And here she thought the redhead didn't know how to tie his own shoes let alone write poetry. Will wonders ever cease?

After one last skim of the letter, she folded it. She remained seated on the smooth floors of the tennis court, pondering this turn of events. Roy had never showed any signs of attraction or affection towards her, and this sudden revelation had only confused Zelda. Was his cocky behavior a sign? Was the loudmouthed swordsman really a coy gentleman underneath his display of pride? 

Zelda sighed. What was she to do? Moreover, how did she feel? How was she *supposed* to feel? She had never received a love letter before, now that she thought about it. Oftentimes, she'd receive something grand, like a diamond necklace or a very rare piece of amber, but never something as heartfelt as poetic words on paper.  She was the Princess of Hyrule; she had suitors from allover falling at her feet, dying for her hand in marriage; she could practically have any man she wanted… But she was never in love with any of the dorks that pranced up to the throne.

And she knew she was not in love with Roy. But Roy was in love with her…

_Hm… Well, he *does* have quite the schoolboy charm_, she thought. A smile formed across her face, as did a blush. Suddenly, she felt embarrassed and covered her face with her delicate palms. _I can't believe this!_

The next thing she knew, she was scribbling out the letters for a game of FLAMES along a notebook she carried with herself. Princess Peach had taught her the childish compatibility game some time ago, claiming that it was not just a game, but also a true prediction of love and futures. At first, Zelda thought that such a notion was ridiculous, that a simple game revolving around letters and numbers could not inscribe one's destiny. Peach then revealed her compatibility with Mario was that of Lovers---the best match one could get in the game. It was then Zelda began to take the 'flames' more seriously…

_F is for friends, L is for lovers, A is for admirers, M is for marriage, E is for enemies, and S is for sweethearts. Here we go…_ She stared at the 'board'. Afterward, she took a deep breath and wrote out her name directly above that of Roy's. She prepared to cross out each letter she and Roy had in common in their names… Only to find out they had none.

F L A M E S  
1 2 3 4 5 6  
7 8 9 10 11

ZELDA  
ROY

_Peach said to count the remaining letters and match that number to the corresponding letter on the board… So, three from Roy and five from mine make eight. And eight…_

Zelda gawked at the board. 

Then screamed at the top of her lungs.

"WE'RE LOVERS! WE'RE LOVERS! WE'RE LOVERS!!!!!"

With that, she gathered her things, stuffed them into her duffel bag, and dashed out of the tennis courts.

Imitating the great Bambino, known the world over as the late and great Babe Ruth, Young Link stood poised and ready at the home plate. He pointed his finger toward the horizon, letting all of the players and spectators of the fair game of softball know of his intention: he was going to hit a homerun.

Marth and Roy were two of the spectators to this ball game; they were both seated on the second row of bleachers and had a pretty good view of the field and dugout. The elder of the two swordsmen remained reserved and quiet, while the ever-so-boisterous Roy cheered his young blonde friend on as loudly as only he could. "YEAH YOUNG LINK! W00t, w00t! You are L337! Young Link r0x0rs your b0x0rs! Go for it man! Hit it! Swing batter, batter, batter, swing!" He began spanking the air. "Roy said smack dat azz!" …Among other things.

Overcome with a sudden case of public humiliation, a red-faced Marth nudged his elbow into Roy's side, causing the latter to wince and halt his loud cheering. "Dang it, Marth! I'm just trying to cheer for my friend! Is that a crime?" he protested.

"You sound like a stupid wannabe hacker at his first non-online baseball game. Plus, you're embarrassing me…"

Roy grumbled and complied with his friend's wishes, knowing full and well that the indigo-haired prince, while polite and indiscriminate, was modest and shy, especially around women. He set down the giant green foam finger he was waving around. "Fine then, Mr. Belvedere," he said while folding his arms, "let's do all the things that *you* want to do."

Marth chuckled and rolled his eyes, focusing back onto the ball game. His amused grin melted away when he saw a familiar figure approaching the field from a distance. "Hey Roy, isn't that…Link?"

"No Marth, it's actually Captain N," Roy said sarcastically. "He's been at home plate for the past three minutes, waiting for Ryota Hayami to pitch to him."

"Not Young Link, you Bac-O-Bit. I'm talking about grown-up Link," Marth pointed to the approaching figure, "isn't that him?"

Roy glanced in the indicated direction. "Say, you're right…"

"He doesn't look so well."

"Wonder why he's running like a madman…"

Marth shrugged. "Oh, you know Link, he's a weirdo at heart."

Roy silently nodded. The two, as well as everyone else present at the ball game for that matter, watched blankly as Adult Link came sprinting across the diamond-shaped ball field as if the hounds of Hades were hot on his trail. The normally considerate Link didn't even seem to realize he had rudely interrupted their friendly game of softball. In fact, he didn't seem to realize much of anything else…

Before anyone could react, he ran up to the home plate where his younger self stood, perplexed at his antics. "Come with me, Mini-Me!"

"But I'm in the middle of a ball game…"

"This is a crisis! I'm afraid your little game has to come to an end! We're in a dire situation! We're in grave danger!" Adult Link exclaimed.

"But… But…"

"No buts! We must hurry or else!" Adult Link hefted Young Link over his shoulder like a light sack of potatoes, ignoring the child's kicks and screams and death threats. "The Evil Blue Bird of Death is after us! We must flee!"

"PUT ME DOWN YOU CRAZY GLUE-SNIFFING PILE OF PENGUIN BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!"

Naturally, the older of the Links ignored that and set off to run to wherever he had planned to escape from the 'evil blue bird of death'. Just as he was about to escape from the disgruntled players and spectators alike, he spotted the Evil Blue Bird of Death himself: Falco Lombardi. 

The blue-feathered Falco noticed the not-so-polite look of sheer fright Link had given him and sneered at him. "You got a problem with me or something?"

Link shrieked.

Like a girl.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, MINI-ME! THE EVIL BLUE BIRD OF DEATH IS HERE!!!!" Adult Link dropped his younger self unceremoniously onto the ground and made a quick getaway. 

Young Link, however, did not move a muscle once he got up and dusted himself off. Like everyone else, he quietly stared at his older alter ego running into the distance. He then made a mental note to avoid all forms of alcohol and drugs in the future so as not to turn out like that.

Marth and Roy stared.

"Dude," Roy was the first to speak. "What's up with *him*?"

"I dunno," Marth said with a shrug. "He had chimichangas for dinner yesterday, though."

"That explains it."

Despite that incredibly eccentric interruption, the ball game went on peacefully. Until…

"Oh Roooooooooooooooooooooooooooy!" 

The redheaded teenager almost choked on his chilidog when he glanced up and saw the beautiful form of Princess Zelda standing no more than three feet in front of him and Marth. Normally, he'd act casual and maybe even cocky around the Hylian female. In spite of this, there was a look in her blue eyes. A look he knew all too well. Fan girls gave him that look all of the time. He dreaded that look and the uneasy feeling it stirred in him.

It was the look of a girl hopelessly in love.

He gulped. "Mother…"

* * * *  
  
**A/N:** In case you didn't know, according to FLAMES (an old school game), Zelda and Roy do have a score of 8---you can see for yourself! She has a score of 8 with Marth, too!  ^^ And a score of 7 with Link, making them Friends. =/ Anyhoo, from the looks of things on my outline and writing schedule, we'll find out who wrote the love letter pretty soon. Thanks for reading! Please leave a review? =)  
mature@fanfiction.net --- lulu_mature@yahoo.com  
(for some reason, I haven't been receiving a few emails under the fanfiction.net address so I put up a secondary email address just in case)


	4. Chapter 4

**Love Letter Lunacy  
  
**  


**Obligatory Disclaimer:** Nope; still belongs to Nintendo...  
**Author's Notes:** Thank you so much! =)   
  


* * * *  


  
Roy had to admit: Zelda was a pretty girl. A very pretty girl. But she was like the Forbidden Fruit, in his eyes anyway. She was a Princess, for starters, and royalty was out of his class. She had Link as one of her protectors---and from the looks of it, Link currently possessed the mentality of a termite in a plastic room; Roy had no intentions of dealing with psychotics. On top of that and many other reasons, there was the matter that pressed him the most: Roy's best friend had some sort of crush on Zelda. A crush of which Zelda was unaware of.  
  
  
  
When Zelda stopped by during the ball game and loomed over him like a hawk over a field mouse, the first thing Roy did was steal a glance toward Marth out the corner of his eye. Marth's blue eyes were as wide as saucers. His face was a vibrant scarlet. He looked like he was literally going to explode.  
  
  
  
Roy peered at the passion in Zelda's eyes as her graceful hands fell upon his shoulders.   
  
  
  
_I'm a dead man_, he thought to himself.   
  
  
  
"Um, h-hi, Zelda. Wh-what brings you here?" Roy couldn't help but tremble and sweat with each passing second.  
  
  
  
"Oh, Roy! I had no idea!" With that as her only warning, Princess Zelda slid her hands up from Roy's shoulders to the back of his neck, hugging him and practically leaping onto his lap at the same time. Immediately, Roy's body became as stiff as a board. He made absolutely sure *not* to touch her, either.  
  
  
  
"Wha---?" The swordsman's words were cut off when Zelda squeezed him within her embrace.  
  
  
  
"That was awfully sweet of you," the high princess nearly sang. "I can't believe you actually wrote something like that for me!"  
  
  
  
Roy's left eyebrow slowly arched at that. Now he had somewhat of a clue as to why Zelda was behaving this way. Kirby had kept his promise and delivered the list of Donkey Kong's weaknesses to Zelda; Roy had written the list for her but he never realized she would act so…grateful toward him. He never thought she'd think so much of the list, either, considering it took him a good five minutes to write it. He shrugged one shoulder when the pressure off his torso was reduced. "It was nothing, Zelda," he said, nonchalantly, "I write stuff like that all the time."  
  
  
  
"Really!?" Zelda squealed. Her smile couldn't get any brighter.  
  
  
  
"Well, yeah. I'll write you another one if you---"  
  
  
  
"ROY! You're absolutely loveable!" Zelda squeezed him yet again. She buried her head into his shoulder and cooed, oblivious to the shades of blue appearing on Roy's cheeks.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, Marth was plotting several ways of decapitating the redhead---or at least Roy thought so. The cold and hard stare the Prince of Altea regarded him with gave that away. Roy was certain that if Zelda were to leave, Marth would make Julian Fries out of his flesh. But if Zelda were to stay, she'd probably choke him. Or worse. Kiss him. He'd shudder if he could, given his current situation.  
  
  
  
Roy didn't know what to do. Either get cut or suffocate.  
  
  
  
Once again, he stole a glance toward Marth.   
  
  
  
The prince was slowly running a rag down the length of Falchion's incredibly sharp blade, all the while staring at the pair.   
  
  
  
Roy gulped and glanced down at the lovestruck Zelda who was still clinging to his form like a fly to a glob of honey.  
  
  
  
_Stabbing isn't as bad as asphyxia, right…? Then again, I heard of people dying from being humiliated in public, too… Oh God, help me…! I'm too young and handsome to die!_  
  
  
  
For the third time now, Roy looked to Marth and was rewarded with the same ice cold stare and the sight of a betrayed prince with homicidal tendencies cleaning off his sword.   
  
  
  
Back to Zelda… She was still in Fan Girl Land™.   
  
  
  
Not knowing what *else* to do, Roy did what he could only do.  
  
  
  
He began to cry.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Zeeeeeeeeeeeelda, I'm home!" The Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom, known as simply Peach, made her obligatory songlike announcement as she entered the hotel room she shared with Zelda. Instead of the usual return greetings, Peach was met with nothing but deafening silence. That meant Zelda wasn't home.   
  
  
  
As she stepped further into the room, she noticed Zelda's tennis bags were strewn on the bed along with her tennis outfit. _Hm, she probably went out_, Peach thought, although it seemed strange, since Zelda liked to stay indoors after her daily game of solo-tennis. She shrugged that off and began pinning up her layered golden locks, preparing to take a bubble bath. As she closed the room's blinds, she espied a folded letter on *her* bed.  
  
  
  
At first, she assumed Zelda had misplaced the letter. However, Peach then recalled that Zelda was the last person on Earth capable of brain farting like that; she was also a bit of a privacy freak and would never leave something as personal as a letter lying around.   
  
  
  
So, the bubbly Peach came to the conclusion that the letter was for herself!   
  
  
  
Humming softly, she unfolded it and read it. And giggled when she was done.  
  
  
  
"How cute," she murmured. "I wonder who wrote this for me?" Peach sat on her bed and began to think of who could have possibly written her such a thing. Mario would have been her first guess if she didn't know him so well: he always signed his letters and never wrote such poetic things anyway (he was so macho sometimes!). Bowser wasn't capable of poetry, either. She knew of Marth's secret crush on Zelda so it couldn't be him. Roy was a typical pubescent boy and probably didn't know what half of the words in the letter meant. The latter applied to Link as well. Luigi---  
  
  
  
She gasped. "Luigi!!"  
  
  
  
In Peach's world, there really was no other explanation. Luigi *had* to have been the one that wrote the letter for her! Sure, he had found solace in the arms of Sarasaland's Princess Daisy, but Peach never forgot the sweet and coy looks Luigi had thrown her way when she first met the Mario Brothers. And, of course, it was plainly obvious that he liked someone of her caliber. Why else would he go for Daisy, who looked *exactly* like Peach herself?  
  
  
_  
Okay, this is not cute anymore. I'm with Mario! Luigi can't do this…!_  
  
  
  
And so, Peach marched right on out of her room, letter in hand. The bubble bath would have to wait.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Just as Luigi Mario was about to bite down on his pastrami and provolone sandwich, Princess Peach marched right on up to his favored table within the Smash Cafeteria (which he currently shared with his belle Daisy), one of the few eating establishments for participants in the Super Smash Brothers Tournament. She looked positively…well… She looked very much unlike her usual happy-go-lucky self. In her hands she held a sheet of folded paper that was unfamiliar to both Luigi and Daisy.  
  
  
  
Peach's left hand came onto her hip while the right waved the paper around as she spoke in the most assertive way she could muster. "Luigi, I'm your friend and all, but I cannot do this!"  
  
  
  
"What are you talking about, Peach?"  
  
  
  
"Don't play dumb with me you… you… BAD MAN!"  
  
  
  
Luigi blinked at her and so did Daisy.  
  
  
  
"Okay, so it was the only thing I could come up with…"  
  
  
  
"I still don't know what you're talking about, Peach."  
  
  
  
Peach's face colored. "You know full and well what I'm talking about!" she gestured to the paper in hand. "This!"  
  
  
  
The Princess of Sarasaland set down her parfait and reached for the letter held by Peach. "Lemmie see that," she uttered. Quickly, she unfolded the paper and read the words written on it as Peach looked on expectedly while Luigi, clueless as ever, wondered what the Hell was going on.  
  
  
  
"As my Uncle Steven would say, W-T-F." Anger rushed to Daisy's face as fast as it took her to grasp an unsuspecting Luigi helplessly by the suspenders of his trademarked blue overalls. "Luigi Mario, you had better explain yourself right this instant!"  
  
  
  
"Mama Mia!"  
  
  
  
"DiGiornio Pizza to you too," Daisy snarled. "What are you doing writing Peach love letters when you're supposed to be *my* boyfriend!?"  
  
  
  
"But I didn'---"  
  
  
  
"The evidence is all there, plumber man!" Peach protested.  
  
  
  
"What evidence!?" Poor Luigi seriously had no clue as to what the two princesses were talking about.  
  
  
  
"Now he's acting dumb… Well, we're just going to make him talk." Daisy set the letter down on the table.   
  
  
  
She began to crack her knuckles and stalk closer to Luigi, who stood helpless and frozen with fear. He noticed Peach behind her, adjusting her infamous 'Slap Gloves'. He gulped like Kermit the Frog. He knew that whatever he could think of doing made no difference now. He was in for it. Reeeeeeeeally in for it.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
After gathering his selected food items onto his tray, Mario stepped out of the cafeteria line and headed toward his brother Luigi's favorite table. Along the way, he spotted a very flustered looking pair consisting of Daisy and Peach sauntering out of the cafeteria. They spared him no glances.  
  
  
  
"Serves that plumber right," Peach said with a scoff.  
  
  
  
"That'll teach him to cheat on *me*," Daisy said.  
  
  
  
Mario tipped an eyebrow. They could only be talking about his little brother Luigi… He raced over to where he was to meet his brother, only to find him in a very strewn and very uncomfortable looking position on what used to be the table. It was broken into several pieces now; Luigi's body was probably used to disassemble it. He lay there, groaning in immense pain, muttering senseless things every now and then.  
  
  
  
Mario didn't know what to conclude out of this except that whatever Luigi did to Daisy and Peach had brought this turmoil upon himself. "Yo, Luigi! You okay?"  
  
  
  
"…I can eat them everyday! And my mom says that's okay!"  
  
  
  
"…Nevermind."  
  
  
  
The elder of the Mario Brothers glanced around the broken furniture. As he set his tray down to help his brother up, he noticed a sheet of paper on the floor and after asking Luigi whose was it (only to get "GOLDFISH!" as an answer), he skimmed through it. _Whoo; what a crappy love letter_, he thought. "Luigi, does this have to do anything with Daisy thinking you're cheating on her?"  
  
  
  
Luigi nodded.  
  
  
  
Mario put two and two together, using what little bits of information he had: Daisy was upset with her boyfriend Luigi for writing this amorous letter to another female. However, Luigi didn't write the letter. Mario was certain because it was not written in his little brother's chicken-scratch---er, handwriting. So who could have written the letter…? He didn't know.  
  
  
  
But he was determined to get to the bottom of it.  
  
  


* * * *  
  
**A/N:** We're getting there. ^^;  
mature@fanfiction.net -- lulu_mature@yahoo.com  



	5. Chapter 5

Love Letter Lunacy

**Obligatory Disclaimer: **Ho, ho, ho! Green Giant! …Wrong one. Nintendo owns everything, except the song Fox sings.  
**A/N: **This chapter is extra long as an expression of my gratitude. ^_^ I hope you enjoy this!

* * * *

He glanced over to his little brother Luigi. He was seated on his bed in his side of the hotel room they shared, nursing the injury to his head. Mario decided it wasn't a good time to interrogate him about the possible origins of the mysterious love letter.

With an iron-willed goal set, Mario set off to browse through the Super Smash Resort.  As the designated 'Hero' of all of Nintendo, he felt it was his duty. He had to get to the bottom of this. Otherwise…

Next door to the Mario Brothers' room was the room occupied by the pilots Fox McCloud and Falco Lombardi. _They'd know something_, Mario concluded. And so he went.

Falco opened the room's door, the hubristic look he always wore evident. He gave Mario an analytical gaze. "Unless you have Caramel Delites™ Girl Scout Cookies, we're not buying anything."

Mario sneered at him. "I'm not selling---"

"What about Thin Mints™?"

"Falco, I'm not selling any Girl Scout Cookies!"

A scoff. "Well, we only buy Mary Kay cosmetics here, so you can take your Avon products and shove them up your---"

"FALCO! I AM NOT SELLING ANYTHING!"

Falco blinked. "Oh, in that case," he said lowly. Mario thought he was going to acquiesce and allow him to enter at long last. Falco, however, wasn't done; he loved to make things difficult. "We're not interested in the faiths of a Jehovah's Witness either," Falco concluded with a serious face, although he wanted to cackle oh-so-badly.

"Dang nabbit Falco, just let me in!"

Falco chuckled a dark chuckle, inwardly, and allowed the perturbed Mario to enter the abode he shared with Fox. Mario grumbled some Italian curses underneath his breath---plenty of which the author knows but is not willing to share considering the rating of this fic. 

"Alright. What do you want, plumber?" 

Mario was going to respond but a sudden sound of a shower and a blasting radio interrupted him. Following them came the booming voice of Fox's singing from the bathroom.

"I've been a fool before. Wouldn't LIKE to get my love caught in the slammin' DOOR! How 'bout some information… Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?" There was a brief interlude of music, and then, "Straight up, now tell me: do you really wanna love me forever? OH OH OH! Or am I caught in a hit and run…!"

Outside of Fox's bathroom and in the main area of the hotel room, Mario was positively speechless while Falco looked like he wanted to die of embarrassment solely for knowing the singing fox. 

After about five minutes of uncomfortable silence (save for the singing), Mario remembered why he had dropped by. He turned to Falco. "Uh, do you or Paula Abdul in there know anything about a secret love letter?"

"Hah!" Falco squawked. "You mean the one Zelda 'wrote' for Fox?" He used his talons to simulate quotations. 

"Zelda wrote one for Fox…?" Mario couldn't believe it.

"Yeah, and Pichu is going to be the Point Guard for the New Jersey Nets next season," Falco uttered with a roll of his eyes.

Mario chuckled and shook his head. Falco was one caustic bird. "Sarcasm aside, did she really write him one?"

"I doubt it. I think someone else wrote it but Fox keeps pointing to all sorts of ridiculous pieces of evidence relating to Zelda."

"Really now?"

"Mmhm. Said something about grapes in it… Personally, I think Zelda's more poetic than that."

"Grapes! Yeah!" Mario exclaimed. Finally, he was getting somewhere! "That letter mentioned grapes!" 

Falco had no idea what was going on. He didn't care, either. He shrugged his shoulders and added, "On top of that, Link is acting bonkers." 

"He is?"

"Yeah. It's like he's trippin' on some serious acid." Falco shook his head with a sigh. "I should have never taken him to that rave…"

Quickly, Mario scribbled some notes on a steno book he toted. "Thanks, Falco! Ciao!"

With that, Mario dashed out of the hotel room, just as Fox was stepping out of the steamy bathroom. A white towel was wrapped about his waist. "Who was that at the door?" he asked Falco.

Before responding, Falco realized he could still have some fun, in his own acerbic way of course; he loved psyching people up and watching them turn red with anger once he put them down. "Oh, it was just a girl…"

To this, Fox became intrigued. "A girl?" he paused. "Was it Zelda…?"

"Hmm," in mock pensiveness, Falco cupped his chin. "Does Zelda have golden blonde hair with slight curls and wears an elaborate pink dress and jewelry?"

"Yes! Yes!" Fox clapped his hands together eagerly, smiling brighter than the sun itself. She was finally coming to her senses! She remembered writing him that letter…!

Falco's shoulders rolled backward with his shrug. "Wasn't her…"

"I HATE YOU, FALCO!!!"

Falco laughed and walked away, swerving his head to the side to avoid a thrown lamp.

Mario's next stop was the female barracks. As per HAL regulations, he wasn't allowed to enter without security's approval, which could have put a burden on his investigation. Luckily, he didn't have to go through that hassle. The one he had been looking for was traipsing right out of the front door, merrily whistling and skipping to her loo.

"Hey Zelda!" Mario ran up to her.

She paused in her tracks and regarded Mario with a smile. She was definitely in a good mood. And the look on her face… Mario feared the worst. "Buon giorno, Mario!"

"Um, yeah. You got a minute?"

"Hm. I don't know…" 

"It'll be quick!"

"Oh, good! I have to hurry to the boys' barracks and deliver these to Roy before security gives me trouble," Zelda said as she held up a two-pound bag of gummy bears. Strictly red gummy bears. 

_Roy's favorite_, Mario thought_, but Zelda barely acknowledged Roy before!_ "Why're you delivering those to Roy, anyway?"

In response, Zelda giggled an uncharacteristically high-pitched giggle into her gloved palm. Mario didn't know Zelda very well but he knew she was never one to behave in such a giddy way. Peach? Definitely. Daisy? Sometimes. But Zelda…?

"Are you two…?" Mario tapped the tips of his index fingers together, demonstratively.

Zelda giggled again. A bright red blush appeared over the fair skin of her cheeks. "One can only hope! But we're getting there!"

Mario couldn't believe it. He simply could not believe it… "WHY---er, I mean… What brought about this sudden change of…?" he faltered in fear of how Princess Zelda might react.

Instead of reacting vehemently as, say, Daisy would have, Zelda shook her head with a smile. "Roy wrote me a love letter! Isn't that wild?"

_No kidding_, Mario muttered in his mind. Then he did a double take. "He wrote you a love letter!?"

Zelda nodded. Her smile faded somewhat, sadly. "But alas, I cannot find it…"

_That's because it's in my back pocket…_ The Italian plumber patted Zelda reassuringly on the shoulder. "Don't worry, Princess. I'll handle this…"

Although Zelda had no idea as to what Mario referred to, he sounded so reassuring she didn't care. She smiled to him again. "Thank you."

"Mind if I accompany you to see Roy? I can help you get in the hotel."

"Certainly!"

Much to the surprise of Mario and Zelda, there was a loud commotion within the room shared by the three swordsmen of the Smash Brothers Tournament---a commotion that could be heard just outside of it, in the hallway. Judging from the various voices heard within, there had to be more than three people in there.

Mario's beliefs were confirmed when Ness opened the door. What was he doing there?

"Hey Mario! You're just in time!" Ness said with a bright smile. "Marth is kicking Roy's ass!"

"WHAT!?!?!" Zelda screeched and burst into the room, surprising all that were inside, save for the three swordsmen that dwelled there. Link was nowhere to be found. In the center of the room, Marth held Roy in the Walls of Jericho; the latter tapped his hands profusely on the carpet, wanting nothing more than to be released from that agonizing submission move. The others cheered the two on. Although the guys were known for playing around like this, Marth was dubbed the 'Merciful Master' by his comrades for his tendency to take it easy. But from the looks of things, he didn't seem keen on letting Roy go. It looked too real.

"Cool, huh?" Popo's hooded head appeared from behind Ness. "We're taking bets. I've got five bucks that says Marth's going to snap Roy's legs off like a crab at a buffet table!"

"Unhand him, you knave!" An angry Zelda lunged toward Roy and Marth. Effortlessly, she backhanded an unexpecting Marth away, sending him flying to the other side of the room and damn near into the wall. As if she didn't do such an amazing feat, Zelda knelt beside Roy and gently cradled him. "Roy! Roy! Speak to me…!"

Roy groaned. When he opened his eyes, he saw Zelda. He wanted to cry again. But if he were to cry, Zelda would become suspicious, and perhaps even angrier, and probably hurt Marth. Again. 

"Oh, Roy, are you alright?" Zelda asked him. Her words of concern were as sweet as sugar. 

"I'm fine… Marth and I…" Roy peered behind Zelda at Marth. As the Prince was getting up with Kirby and Pikachu's help, he overheard what was being said by Roy and Zelda. He shot Roy a look and ran his thumb horizontally across his neck. Roy gulped. "We were playing," he finished.

Zelda's eyes widened. "Playing!?"

_Sure as heck didn't look like playing to me_, everyone else thought.

"WWF." Roy nodded with a wince. Not because his legs were sore. But because of the turmoil in store for him, and everyone else, if he were to tell Zelda that Marth had attacked him the minute she left the two fencers alone earlier, out of spite.

"Such violence…"

"But I'm okay though!"

A relieved smile appeared on Zelda's face. She got to her feet. "Can you get up?"

"Actually, I can't feel my legs." 

Roy felt Marth figuratively stabbing him with the daggers of his eyes. He winced but played it off to Zelda by chuckling nervously and scrambling to his feet quickly. "Hah! But who cares about that, right?" _God help me, this hurts so much…_

Things in the room went back to their usual semi-normal ways. Most of those that gathered for the bout between Marth and Roy had departed. Zelda remained with Roy and thus, so did Marth. Mario wanted nothing more than to leap out of the nearest window, but he had an investigation to finish…

Hm. Something tells me Roy didn't write that letter; he looks positively spooked around Marth and Zelda… Mario cleared his throat. "Hey Marth, can I speak with you?"

Marth's eyes never left the scene of Zelda feeding an unwilling-but-trying-to-seem-nice Roy red Gummy Bears. "Sure thing, Mario."

"…In private?"

Marth sighed. "Fine." Even as he led Mario to the bathroom for the chat, he kept his eyes glued on Zelda and Roy. Zelda was oblivious but Roy looked back to Marth in fear and helplessness. Mario didn't let that go unnoticed. Something was amiss…

In the bathroom, Marth remained by the door. He left it open slightly and peered through the crack every now and then to make sure Roy and Zelda weren't doing anything. "What is it?"

Mario gave Marth a blank look. "Your jealousy is written allover your face, Marth."

"Shut up! And hurry up with what you've got to say!"

"What's with the rush?"

Marth spoke as he peeked through the crack. "I don't trust him…"

"Roy?"

"No, Santa Claus!" Marth growled. "Yes, Roy!"

_Gee, *someone* forgot their Midol…_ Mario rolled his eyes. "I don't get it though. I thought you were the one who liked Zelda," he said. "Secretly, anyway."

"Apparently, that isn't the case. Seems Roy's writing Zelda love letters behind my back. I thought he was supposed to be my friend!"

"But I figured you'd be the one who wrote it…"

"I don't have the guts to do such a thing…"

"Wait, so Roy *did* write the letter?"

"Seems so. And now Zelda's so in love with him because of it! Life is too cruel!" Marth practically wailed and banged his head against the door with an intensity Mario deemed dangerous. The plumber didn't stop him, though. Marth might snap on him like he did with Roy…

While Marth continued bashing his head, Mario stole a quick glance to the letter he held in his pocket. He didn't know whose handwriting it was. What he did know was he didn't write it and neither did his brother Luigi.

He suddenly got an idea. He folded the letter in fourths so that only the second quarter of it, the one with the most nonsense and less romantic wording, was revealed. "Hey Marth, stop acting like you're at a Guns N' Roses concert and take a look at this."

Marth pried his reddened forehead off the door and turned to look at the paper Mario held up. He read the words with a tipped brow. "What the heck are those? Lyrics to a Spice Girls song?"

"Um… Yeah?" Mario quickly changed the subject. "Is that Roy's handwriting?"

"No. But those words are horrible," Marth said with a bit of a scoff. 

_So it's *not* Roy that wrote it_, Mario thought as Marth kept critiquing. _This just gets worse and worse…_

"Horrible. Horrible, I say! Like something…" When Marth reached a realization, his eyes went big. "Like something Roy would write!!!!"

Mario panicked. "Mama Mia!"

"Mama Celeste to you too!" Marth growled and lunged forward, trying to get the paper. Mario was too nimble for him to catch in the compact bathroom; he quickly dodged the swordsman and maneuvered his way behind him, near the door. "Give me that, Mario!"

"Uh…" Mario had only one escape. He looked through the crack in the door. "-Gasp!- Roy and Zelda are kissing!"

"I'LL KILL HIM!"

_Success_. Mario took that chance to make a fast getaway.

Mario escaped through the various hallways and staircases of the males' hotel, assuring himself every other minute or so that Marth was not chasing him. He was not about to take that chance, though…

Just as he passed a bunch of doors that looked alike (in a hotel no less, what a shock!), something caused him to skid to a stop.

"Psst!"

Mario cautiously peered over his shoulder in the direction of the sound.

It was Link.

His head was sticking out from a door that was left slightly ajar. "Hey, Mario," he whispered harshly. He waved the plumber over. "C'mere."

"Link? What's up?" Mario whispered.

"Ssh! Just come inside!" Link whispered. He allowed Mario to enter the confines of the small room.

"What's this?" Mario whispered as he stepped in and noticed that the entire room was dark. The smell of burning incense reached his big nose, though.

"It's my headquarters," Link whispered.

"Headquarters for what?" Mario whispered.

"Operations," Link whispered his reply.

"Oh… Why are we whispering?" Mario whispered.

Link lit a candle. The soft light provided by it revealed Link's blinking eyes to Mario. "Hm. I don't know, kimosabe," he said in the volume he usually spoke with.

Mario glanced around the 'headquarters'. In actuality, it was a janitor closet with a few adjustments. First, there were the candles and incense. Then there was the small rug in the center of it all. Lastly, there was a plethora of posters of Falco Lombardi on the four walls. Through the forehead of each of the Falco's was a dart.

Link lit another candle as he sat on the small rug. "Your callsign is Deep Throat," he told Mario. "I know it's not the most original of codenames, and it sounds rather perverted, but I thought you might like that one."

"What the---"

"Fine. You'll be called Otacon. But I'm not changing it!"

"I don't care about that Link---"

"Solid Snake."

"What…?"

"Solid Snake is my codename. You shall refer to me as such as we get this operation underway!" Link hissed.

"Fine then, Solid Snake," Mario grumbled. Link smiled with triumph. "What's this operation? And what's with the darts in the pics?"

"We're going to protect our lives and our liberties from Falco Lombardi!"

_Okay, I know Falco can be a bit of an ass sometimes, and likes to get the better out of all of us, but this is just plain retarded!_ "Why…? I mean, what did he do…?"

"He claims he is hot for my body!"

_Wait a minute! That's from the letter…! But Falco didn't… What the Hell!?_  Mario shook his head. He decided that he'd have an easier time doing his own dental work. 

"He must be destroyed!"

_Falco was right. This guy *is* bonkers…_ "Okay," Mario began, easily, "so Falco…plays for the other team. So what? It's not like he's out to steal your soul."

"He steals souls too!?" Immediately, Link shot up to a stand and withdrew the Master Sword from its scabbard on his back. "I'll crucify him!!"

Mario slapped his forehead. "Me and my big mouth…"

Outside, the sun was starting to set, announcing evening's arrival. Everything was so quiet, save for a few honking geese. Mario walked through the perimeter of the Super Smash Resort, his gaze fixated on the ground beneath him.

He had finished studying his notes. He looked at the evidence and the bits of information provided to him by everyone he knew. Yet, he was still confused. 

_Fox gets a letter and thinks it's from Zelda, but Zelda has no idea as to what he's talking about… Zelda gets a letter, supposedly from Roy, but the letter wasn't written by Roy… Peach gets a letter and thinks it's from Luigi, who has no idea what's going on… And Link was a recipient of a letter too, but from Falco…? This doesn't make any damn sense!_

"Hey, if it isn't Mr. Nintendo!" Ralph, the rotund security guard at the gates to the Resort called out to Mario and waved to him. "What's cookin'?"

My reputation as a mascot if I don't find out what's going on… "Nothing." Another idea struck Mario. "Say, you have a 1MC, right? Or like an announcement microphone?"

Ralph nodded. "Sure thing. You need to use it?"

Mario nodded. There was a glint of determination in his eyes. "Yep. Assemble all the Smashers in the Main Lobby."

* * * *

**A/N:** Next chapter is the final one!  ^^  *tiny fanfare* I'll try to post it up tomorrow or Friday (Thursday if you live in the United States), but that's not 100% guaranteed. Please review!  
mature@fanfiction.net | lulu_mature@yahoo.com


	6. Chapter 6

**Love Letter Lunacy**  


  
**Obligatory Disclaimer:** Nope, don't own 'em; Nintendo does.  
**Author's Note:** This is the result of me losing the *real* ending to the fic (the gist of it is still here but everything else went kaput with my disk). I'm sorry it took a long time for me to post this and this chapter definitely doesn't make up for it… -_- Anyways, let me know how much you hate it in a review.  
  
  


* * * *  


  
  
Mario Mario was led by Ralph into a quiet and dimly lit room adjacent to the assembly hall where the planned meeting of all the Smashers was to take place. Purposefully, he arrived five minutes early so he could watch their entries, hoping to spot any suspicious activity and the like.   
  
"Okay, this is the place," Ralph said as he began giving the Italian a mini-tour. "You could see what's going on through this here magic mirror."   
Ralph gestured to a large window, about as wide as the wall it was on. Mario wrinkled his nose. "That's not a mirror though. It looks like a window," he said.  
  
"Nah. You ever see those cop shows where they'll line up the suspects on one side of a mirror, and tell the witness to identify the criminal?" Mario nodded. "Well this is one of them. On the other side, your friends can't hear or see you, only their reflections; they think this is nothing but a pretty mirror. But you can see everything they're doing."  
  
Mario was impressed. But also kind of suspicious. Why would HAL Laboratory have something like this in the first place? It made him rather uneasy to think of the possibilities of there being other hidden mirrors like this around the hotels. He thought of that movie Sliver and shivered. Then he remembered Sharon Stone in the movie as well and recovered.   
  
"So, are you *sure* they can't see us?" Mario wanted to be 100% sure.  
  
"Sure I'm sure." Ralph noticed the first entry. It was a rather tall and dark-skinned man with fiery red hair. Ganondorf Dragmire. The Gerudo skulked into the hall, the perpetual look of annoyance on his face present; nevertheless, he didn't seem to notice the two figures watching his every move. "See? He doesn't know we're watching him."  
  
"Let me try this out…" Mario thought of something. He smirked and shouted at the figure of Ganondorf: "HEY Ganondork! Yo' momma's so ugly, yo' daddy takes her to work with him just so he doesn't have to kiss her good-bye!"  
  
"GYA HA HA HA!" Ralph cackled insanely as Ganondorf simply waited, oblivious to the two men ridiculing him.  
  
"This is fun," Mario commented. "Ooh, there's Bowser. The eternal thorn in my side…"  
  
"Go get 'em, plumber."  
  
"HEY BOWSER!" Mario shouted. Like Ganondorf, Bowser didn't seem to hear or see Ralph and Mario. "Yo momma's so fat, she fell in love and BROKE IT!"  
  
Nope, Bowser couldn't hear a damn thing.  
  
"HA HA HA HA!" Ralph clutched his sides as he laughed. "This is rich!"  
  
"And there's Falco; you know, he's an a-hole half the time, so he's not spared… HEY FALCO…!"  
  
This went on for a good five more minutes.  
  
  
  
Some more time passed by as more and more Smashers appeared in the assembly hall, all of them wondering why they were summoned there. It seemed they had all arrived and were now waiting for Mario.  
  
Mario, on the other hand, stared with Ralph blankly at what went on through the magic mirror during those twenty or so minutes it took for everyone to arrive. Everything could be seen and, unfortunately for a frustrated Mario, heard:  
  
"Did you know that a shrimp's heart is in its head?"  
  
"I gotta go pee pee!"  
  
"Pichu, *pi pi*!"  
  
"Pika *pi*!"  
  
"Exactly…!"  
  
"Guano bowls… Collect the whole set!"  
  
"You know, I can't believe I'm missing The Osbournes for this crap…"  
  
"Jigglypuff!"  
  
"Popeye's chicken is the shiznit!"  
  
"Mama Mia!"  
  
"Dominoes pizza to you too!"  
  
"What is this!? A center for ants!?"  
  
"Can it!"  
  
"Roy, are you sure you don't want a back rub?"  
  
"…Break down the *Walls of Jericho*!"  
"Er, uh, n-no th-thanks, Zelda!"  
  
"Hee hee. Whoa oh, here he comes… Watch out Roy, he'll beat you up! Whoa oh, here he comes… He's a man beater!"  
  
"Damn it, Fox! Quit it with those 80s songs, you dork!"  
  
"'Dork'? Dude, you don't even know what it means! So take a chill pill!"  
  
"Yeah I do! A dork is a whale's…"  
  
  
_~ Meanwhile, in some other part of the world ~_  
  
  
"DICK! DICK CLARK IS OUR HOST!" An audience applauded and cheered loudly for the longtime celebrity.  
  
  
_~ Back to where we were ~_  
  
  
Mario's forehead banged against the thick surface of the mirror. By now, he was at the point where his health was at risk---what with his skyrocketing blood pressure, migraines a plenty, and uncontrollable urges to consume alcohol and nicotine.  
  
Concerned with his good pal's well being, security man Ralph spoke. "Uh, Mario…"  
  
"Ralph, is it going to rain tonight?"  
  
"Nope. Why?"  
  
"I was hoping that after this, I can walk outside in the rain with my mouth open wide so I can drown and never see these hooligans again. Sure, on the outside, they're great fighters and entertainers, but when you peel away that charisma and smile and waterproof mascara… BADA-BING! You---"  
  
"Mario!"  
  
The Nintendo icon stopped in mid-rant. "What…?"  
  
"You sound like Joe Pesci's character from Goodfellas, and quite frankly, you're scaring me," Ralph admitted. "Why don't you go out there and settle this once and for all, as soon as possible? You're the so-called Hero."  
  
"'Hero'? You think I'm to Nintendo what that Ryu is to Capcom!? I'll have you know---"  
  
"…Mario. Think of why you're doing this. Think of your little brother Luigi."  
  
Even though it was for a bit, Mario relaxed. "Okay… Think of Luigi. Right." He collected himself and straightened out his trademarked overalls. With a few relaxing breaths, he strolled out of the observation room with his papers in hand.  
  
When the Italian stepped out fully, Ralph picked up the nearest telephone and dialed some numbers. Someone on the other end picked up. "Hello? Mental ward? Yeah, this is Ralph… Uh-huh. Listen, I think you might have a few new check-ins tonight so get ready…"  
  
  
  
  
The assembled Smashers fell silent as Mario Mario, their fearless leader and representative to the world, solemnly made his way to the podium in the center of the main hall. All eyes were on him. He shuffled some index cards in his hands and adjusted a small Bob Barker microphone before him. He cleared his throat before speaking. "Sorry I'm late. Thank you all for coming. I'm assuming everyone's here…"  
  
Of course, they didn't know that he *wasn't* late and was just spying on them moments ago.  
  
"Anyway," he continued, "you're all probably wondering why you're here. Well, it has come to my attention that---"  
  
Mario was interrupted when Young Link raised his stubby lil' arm in the air and waved it around like he just didn't care. He leveled his hard gaze on the child. A child who crossed his legs and fidgeted incessantly as he stood. Almost as if he…  
  
"I gotta go pee!"  
  
Mario scowled, miffed at being interrupted for something so trivial. "Hold it."  
  
"But I've been holding it in ever since we got here!"  
  
"Be a man!" Mario barked. "Be like Adult Li---" the plumber cut himself off when he saw Link trying to hold up an annoyed Falco Lombardi with a half-chewed carrot stick. "…Be like… Hell, I don't care! Just hold it in!"  
  
Young Link whined. Princess Peach spoke up in defense for the child, "Oh c'mon, Mario. He drank too much Lon Lon Milk today…"  
  
"Would you rather have him pee or be *very* lactose intolerant right about now?" What Mario wouldn't do for the cigarette Link suddenly began to smoke. Like a natural, to boot.  
  
The Smashers gave each other puzzled looks. They huddled and began to confer within themselves. After a few seconds---during which Mario considered downing a bottle of Jack and nail polish remover---Peach raised her delicate, gloved hand.   
  
"We think having him pee is the better option because Solid Snake---" Link smirked and released several O's of smoke from his cigarette, "says that Raiden---Young Link, apparently---doesn't… Well, he goes Commando and if he *were* very lactose intolerant, it'd be really messy and stinky in here."  
  
Concurringly, the other Smashers nodded.  
  
"…WHO CARES!" Mario bellowed. "Would you rather have a discussion of Young Link's *lack* of Dukes of Hazzard underoos or what I brought you all here for!?"  
  
The Smashers gave each other puzzled looks. They huddled and began to confer within themselves.  
  
Once again, Peach was their spokeswoman. She raised her hand daintily. "According to Solid Snake, Raiden actually wears *He-Man* underoos to formal events. So this discu---"  
  
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"  
  
Several pieces of furniture and HAL Laboratory property met their untimely demise, thanks to the rampaging, short-tempered *and* Italian Mario. "Young Link, go drown in your pee for all I care!"  
  
Relieved beyond words, Young Link made a mad dash to the little boys' room. Mario looked to the remaining Smashers, figuratively shooting them with ice from his eyes. "The rest of you: SHUT UP!"  
  
They all fell quiet then, for they all feared Mario. Silence prevailed until Fox challenged it by meekly raising his paw.  
  
"…What is it FOX!? Did I forget to invite the members of Bananarama!?"  
  
"Actually, I was going to say that your fly's unzipped…"  
  
"Oh! Hee hee…" Mario fixed that discrepancy real quick! Afterwards, he held up a letter for all to see, pointing at it. "In my hand, I hold a letter. A love letter. Addressed to whom exactly? I don't know. Written by whom? I don't know either. In fact, no one seems to know! And that's why we're here: to find out. Why? Because if this news reaches the higher-ups, we're all in for it."  
  
Mario knew that if he paused any longer than necessary, some idiot among the group would ask more inane questions. He read the letter, the bane of his existence, out loud as the Smashers listened extremely carefully, taking each word in, some faster than others. When he was done, shock lingered throughout the assembly hall. Eyes went wide, mouths gaped, and carrot sticks fell to the ground.  
  
Fox was the first one to react verbally. "That's the letter Zelda wrote for me!" he exclaimed.  
  
"No!" Zelda argued. "I didn't write that! *Roy* did. For me!"  
  
"Hell no I did not," Roy said bluntly, taken aback by Zelda's statement who, in turn, was taken aback by his. "I didn't write you a letter like that…"  
  
Zelda nearly broke down in tears. "But Nana gave me the letter; she said it was from you!"  
  
"Zelda, I didn't write a letter for you. I wrote down a list of Donkey Kong's weaknesses for your upcoming match against him. I told *Kirby* to deliver it to you. Not Nana."  
  
Hearing her name being mentioned, the Ice Climber politely intervened. The last thing she wanted was to be more involved in this chaotic web than she already was. "Kirby was on his way to the ball game with Ness, and when he saw me, he asked me to deliver it to Zelda. So I did."  
  
"And," Kirby piped up, in the same boat as Nana apparently, "I found the letter in Roy, Link, and Marth's room. It was folded and on a desk. I didn't read it because it's rude, and I assumed that was it, since it was the only paper left out in the room…"  
  
Marth saw the crestfallen look on Zelda's beautiful face. He *hated* seeing her like that. He growled. Now he had two people to kill. Or was it just one? Or maybe even three? He wasn't exactly sure, obviously. But he knew that he was pissed and someone was going to get beat up, and that was all that mattered.  
  
Confusion continued to run amuck.  
  
"Wait, wait, wait…" Fox tried to gather his jumbling thoughts. "How did the letters get from me to the Three Stooges' room!? I had it with me and then I suddenly lost it, but I know I didn't stop by there."  
  
"That's simple, kid," Link spoke up. His voice was rather scratchy. That was probably because of the lit cigarette dangling from betwixt his lips. "The Evil Blue Bird of Death dropped it off in front of my room's door."  
  
"I didn't drop anything off for you, you son of a goat's one night stand!" Falco angrily squawked.   
  
"Don't give me that crap!" Link argued. "I heard you and your conspiring friend walking by my room this morning. And *you* said: 'I'm going to give him a love letter from me and not sign it! I hope he reads it!'!!"  
  
"…That's because I was mocking Fox! And the dumb letter probably fell outta his pocket!"  
  
Link blanched. "…So, you mean you're not with the Sons of Liberty?"  
  
"No!"   
  
"…And you're not… Er… You don't 'play for the other team'?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"And you're not hot for my body…?"  
  
"I'd rather kiss a weed whacker!"  
  
Suddenly, that cigarette 'Solid Snake' had been smoking wasn't so relaxing. In fact, it was as if something inside his mind clicked and robbed him of the ability to smoke properly. With a vehement cough and hack, he flung the cancer stick away. Immense bodily twitching ensued.  
  
While Daisy and Peach apologized to Luigi after getting it through their heads that he *wasn't* the one responsible for the letter, Mario thought: _Okay, as confusing as it is, we *are* getting somewhere… Time for the speech._  
  
"All right, all right," he announced to the room when it became bustling again. He captured the Smashers' attention instantly. "Maybe we can get to the bottom of this if we'd all listen and calm down…"  
  
Everyone seemed to agree, much to Mario's delight.  
  
"As you all can see, this is proving to be kinda chaotic. And ridiculous! For *no* reason! People are beating each other up, losing their minds, smoking… Geez. Is one letter really worth all of this lunacy? Is it worth our reputations? I mean come on! If you wrote it, speak up!"  
  
Crickets chirped.  
  
_And I spent the last two hours writing that speech, too._ Mario groaned and crumbled up the index card. Despite wearing blue and red, he lacked the moving charisma of William Wallace.   
  
At the rate things were going, he was never going to get to the bottom of this. The Super Smash Brothers tournament was ruined for years to come! And all because of one stupid, anonymous love letter!  
  
"Whoo!"  
  
All heads in the hall turned to look at Captain Falcon closing the door of the little boys' room. He had made an effort to go in but something inside drove him away. He stepped towards the others casually and fanning the air with a hand. "Do *not* go in there! I think Young Link was slipped some SERIOUS Ex-Lax instead of chocolates today."  
  
"Where the Hell were you?" Mario asked, realizing now, of all times, the F-Zero racer was not present since the beginning of their congregation. "Didn't you know we had an important meeting today?"  
  
"Yeah, and I'm sorry about that, man. But Roger Buster [1] dragged me and some of the other racers aside to watch Gone in 60 Seconds and The Fast and the Furious…" Captain Falcon walked up to the podium and gave Mario what appeared to be an apologetic two-finger salute. "But now that I'm here, mind telling me what's up?"  
  
"We're trying to find a culprit."  
  
"A culprit? What kind? What happened?"  
  
"Some schmuck wrote and misplaced an anonymous love letter and just about everyone's been a recipient of it. And… Let's just say it's been crazy ever since," Mario replied.  
  
The only part of Captain Falcon's face revealed was the lower part of his muscular face, so when his jaw clenched, it was very apparent. Skeptical, Mario handed the letter over to him. "Here. Read it."  
  
The bounty hunter slash racer took the letter and skimmed it over. A simper formed. "Hah! So *that's* where it is!"  
  
Mario and everyone else could only stare, an invisible exclamation mark appearing over their heads. "Wh…what?" Mario could barely squeeze that word out.  
  
Captain Falcon nonchalantly pointed to the letter. "This's the love letter I was writing for Samus. -Whew-! Thank God you found it! For a minute there, I thought I was going to have to write it out all over again!"   
  
At long last, Marth realized whom he had to beat up.  
  
For the umpteenth time that evening, the main hall of HAL Laboratory's headquarters fell quiet. Captain Falcon quirked a brow when he noticed everyone was staring at him, crossly. And for a minute there, it looked as if they were approaching him slowly. "…What?"  
  
  
  
"Hey Ralph, is there a marathon going on tonight or something?" A fellow security officer at the main gate to the Super Smash Resort asked.  
  
"Can't say that I know about that, Gus." Ralph looked at an incredibly large (and colorful) pack chasing after one lone person through the wide and open spaces of the resort. The pack consisted of people, Hylians, Gerudo, Pokémon, foxes, falcons, apes---you name it, it was probably there. "Holy cow!"  
  
"Will you look at that? It's Captain Falcon they're chasin'!"  
  
Ralph chuckled, amused at the site of the man running for his life at virtually the speed of light. He bit his jelly doughnut. "Haw haw! Wonder what they're all chasin' him for?"  
  
Gus popped open a can of cola. "I don't know," the spectator said, "but I think they're pissed! I just heard one of them yell they were going to castrate him with a rusty pink Lady Bic™ razor once they caught him."  
  
"That could be unpleasant." Ralph squinted to get a better view of the fast-moving action in the growing dark. He saw that the Smashers were now chasing the Captain in an endless zigzag around the football field. "YEOW! There goes an arrow in the butt! Now *that's* unpleasant!"  
  
"Haw haw! You said it Ralph! But you gotta admit: this is some good entertainment." Gus took a swig of soda. "Man! Look at Captain Falcon *GO*!"  
  
"No kidding! …! Whoops! There goes a thrown Bob-Omb! Hope he's got life insurance!"  
  
"Hand me a cola, will ya Gus? I have a feeling we're going to be watchin' this all night."  
  
  
  
  


* * *  
  
  
**[1]** -- For those of you that do not know, Roger Buster is also an F-Zero racer (F-Zero X). He pilots the 'Mighty Hurricane'. ^_^  
  
**A/N:** The most disappointing fic I've ever written. *puts on her riot gear* Please don't kill me…  
  
lulublackmagic@yahoo.com | mature@fanfiction.net  


  
  
  



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